Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Waiting or This Blog is BACK or This Blog Goes in a New Direction
Hiking makes me wanna write.
Sooooo, if you've been to this blog since last summer you've probably heard a lot of cricket chirping or maybe even seem some huge tumbleweeds roll by. I will do better, I promise. Today I re-establish the at-least-one-post-a-week rule.
Life has changed dramatically for me since I last wrote here. I'll be writing about that, for sure. Before I get into the details of it all I'll just talk about today and how I this blog is going to change.
This morning I am waiting for my mom to awaken so that I can make sure that she's feeling well enough to be left on her own after an evening of feeling unwell. This checking in with her to determine how my day will progress has become a daily ritual. My mom has stage 4 liver disease or cirrhosis which is a result of hepatitis b. No one knows how she contracted hep, but Mom suspects that it was from cleaning up after a sick or hurt child during her earlier teacher assistant days before school staff wore gloves when dealing with such mishaps. Be that as it may. We will never know how this all started. The point is this: my mom is sick. And we are waiting. Waiting for the day that her MELD score is high enough to get her a new liver. Waiting to see if tomorrow will be a good day or a bad day. Waiting for her to feel well again. It is unsettling. It is upsetting. It is hard. And there is nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.
As I said Mom wasn't feeling well last evening so I am staying away from her house and letting her sleep as long as she can. She's been having trouble sleeping for more than a few hours at a time lately. I decided that since I'm here - waiting - AnnietheWhippet and I would go on a short hike. Yep, I live on the family farm now so I can slip on my hiking boots, walk out the front door, pass my parents' house and be in the woods. I ALWAYS feel good when I'm in the woods. As Annie was running in front of me, following the cow trails (and sniffing the cow patties - dogs are weird) I was calm. Not that I'm not feeling calm today, I am. It's a different kind of calm, a complete calm. And with that calmness, for me, comes gratitude. That's always a good thing.
During the hike I decided that while I'm waiting and trying my best to take good care of my mother that I'll write about it. Writing is a help to me. It's never let me down thus far. If other caregivers of folks waiting for organ transplant find this blog and it somehow helps them all the better.
Wish for me that this calm and grateful waiting state will continue.